Tag Archives: change

The REAL Behind Reality Therapy

By Mona Dunkin

It is mind boggling to think that neurological science asserts that one’s brain cannot tell the difference in reality and imagination. Suppose you open a drawer and a tarantula jumps out.   You scream, run or faint, etc., only to later discover that someone played a prank with a rubber spider.

In the same vein, the brain cannot tell the difference from past hurts and current thoughts about those past offenses. Continual musing over hurts of the past is as if one is reliving them now. Today. In real time.

Since all of our body works as an integrated whole, the emotions stay stirred up in mentally and physically unhealthy and unhappy ways.

And that affects our body. And here we go ‘round the mulberry bush – only it’s not fun.

Old school is mental health is for clients to get in touch with childhood traumas and other past hurts and work through them.  What are the results? The results may or may not drag yesterday into today. The results may or may not lead to little to no change.  The results may or may not give spurts of relief with long term staying stuck.

New school for mental health and happiness via Reality Therapy is to live today today. Don’t wallow in the past. Live in the NOW.

Delve into your creative system for the real you just waiting to be unleashed. You know the one. The one without all that baggage.

choiceEngage your free-will and choose.  You may or may not experience a deep sigh of relief.  You may or may not be able to move past the past.  You may or may not have an epiphany that ushers in mental health and happiness.

But here’s the amazing thing. You get to choose.  So be good to you.

Self-evaluate your results. Continue when effective. Regroup and re-plan when not so effective.  Live. Laugh. Love. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Or at least it is new school for those of us who have been blessed to learn about Dr. William Glasser and his amazingly simple strategies for blowing the (often referred to and seldom effective) common sense out of the tub and replacing it with personal responsibility.

Beach Body Craze

Contributed by Denise Daub

Just Say ‘No’ to the Beach Body Craze

by Melinda Parrish

Your body is perfect, just as it is. You don’t need to lose weight, or tighten up your tummy, or pop out your butt in order to have a perfect beach body. You already have the perfect beach body, and you should feel free to rock whatever swimming attire you feel comfortable in, regardless of your size.

This time of year, there are many fitness regimens, potions, pills, diet plans and supplements being offered to us that claim they will “transform” our already perfect bodies into bodies that are more acceptable to society. But this year, I’m saying “no” to the beach body craze, and so should you!

woman running

I’m not saying no to showing my body love through movement each day, or to fueling my body with delicious, healthy foods, or to practicing self-care like bubble baths and massages and face masks. I’m just saying no to anyone or anything that would make me believe that my body isn’t perfect as it is, and that I have to be perpetually engaged in efforts to change my body in order to meet someone else’s standards for perfection.

Our bodies are sacred vessels that carry us through this life, and for that, they deserve respect.

Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melinda-parrish/just-say-no-to-beach-body_b_10063274.html?utm_hp_ref=healthy-living&ir=Healthy%20Living

Design-The #1 Necessity for Change

by  Barnes Boffey, Ed.D; Director of Training, Aloha Foundation… www.alohafoundation.org

Before exploring types and dimensions, I want to offer a more basic view and review of what is happening in this process of change, and especially the process of changing pictures. We create pictures in our Quality World because we believe they are our best chance of being able to follow our psycho/spiritual instructions (Glasser calls them needs) to be loving, powerful, playful and free. These pictures don’t have to be real, moral, correct, accurate or attainable; they are just our pictures and the best we know how to create at the time.

If we want to help someone change, we have to know what pictures/blueprints they have at their disposal. If they don’t have blueprints that will be effective, flexible and realistic, they will have little chance of changing in ways that will allow them to be happy. To help people change there are three necessities without which it cannot work: A Design, The Skills and The Courage.


If someone wants to change, the first step in the process is creating an attainable picture/blueprint of what they want the “the world” and themselves to look like in the future. This involves the process of Design. We have to create an image of the future that we want; we have to give our brain a blueprint with which to work or it will be like a carpenter building a house with no plan in front of him. We have to help people design the world they’d like to live in and the people they’d like to be in that world. If we cant imagine it, it is almost impossible to attain it.  Here is where the question “Can you imagine…? “becomes crucially important.

Suppose we have a struggling fourth grader we are trying to help, and we ask him, ”Do you want to be successful in math?” If he says “No,” we have another path to travel, but if he says “Yes” or “I don’t know how,” a question which should be asked relatively soon is, “Can you imagine being successful in math?” Nine times out of ten the answer will be “No,” and what we know, that he may not, is that without that picture he cannot be successful. Before going any farther, we need to help him create an accurate and acceptable blueprint of himself being successful.

To a woman contemplating divorce, we might ask “Can you imagine yourself being happy in a life which includes you being divorced?” If the answer is “No,” we have lots of work to do at the Design and imagination step before proceeding further. If she can’t imagine it, she can’t make it happen.

How to Love Yourself

Contributed by Denise Daub

How to Start Loving Yourself When You Don’t
by Michele Lian

“How did you start loving yourself?”

I was recently asked this question by someone who’s been struggling to feel happy in her body for long time, and the first thought that came to mind after reading her email was this: “I know exactly how you feel, because I used to be you.”

I know because I struggled with my own body for a long, long time.

Throughout a 10-year period, almost everything about how I looked felt wrong and deeply disappointing to me: My chubby face and arms, protruding belly, the cellulite on my butt (yes, it’s still there), and how none of the clothes I wanted to wear didn’t fit or look ‘good’ on me. I wished that I could slice off all the extra layers of fat that were stopping me from zipping up my jeans. My physical self and how I wanted to feel on the inside just didn’t align.

I loathed myself.

I knew that I had a lot of work to do when it came to what and how I ate, but I also knew that how I felt about myself was going to have to change if I wanted to break free from the vicious cycle of constant bingeing that I was stuck in, so I started experimenting with a couple of things that I instinctively felt would help me get there.

Find Your Happy Place

Contributed by Denise Daub

by Ari Adams

For many, a new year brings about a host of happy and hopeful thoughts and feelings. We set these lofty resolutions and feel so much more refreshed and ready to take over the world. Unfortunately, however, this time of year can also be pretty overwhelming for some as we carry over hang ups and disappointments from the previous year, or even the failed attempt at those lofty goals we set just a few weeks prior.

While I’ve tended to identify with the latter group most years, I was blessed this past holiday with the ultimate miracle that will forever change my outlook on life, love, faith, opportunity, and fulfilling my destiny. As the saying goes, there’s no better time than the present to break this cycle and bring about a change in your life and outlook.

Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ari-adams/10-ways-to-find-your-happy-place_b_9111424.html?utm_hp_ref=healthy-living

When being right may be wrong

by Dr. Ken Larsen

It’s a very important thing to learn to talk to people you disagree with.”   — Pete Seege


We were living in Salinas.  Not far from where Bobby McGee slipped away.  I was in 5th grade and struggling with a major metamorphosis in my thinking and beliefs.  I was beginning to realize that playing cowboys with toy guns was something that kids did.  I was beginning to believe that I was no longer a kid and needed to put aside childish games like cowboys.  I was also beginning to notice that girls were more interesting than I had thought not too long before.  In hindsight, this awareness of a new way of thinking and behaving was an essential step in my development as a person.  What was most interesting was the slow and gradual dawning of a new self-concept pointing to a need to change.  It was not sudden or abrupt, but sort of crept up on me.  I also came to see that I had to make a choice to achieve that change.

I believe many of us in our culture and in our world are facing a similar growing awareness of our need to put aside some of our childish beliefs and behaviors and move on and into a new awareness of who we are as adults in our humanity.

What I’m getting at is the truth in the phrase “the world is divided by those who think they are right.”

I have lost friends in discussions where both of us were convinced we were right.  This “being right” seemed so important that it came out as a criticism and condemnation of the other person’s point of view.

When both parties are enmeshed in the trap of “I’m right and you’re wrong” what kind of an outcome can be expected?

Far too often there is a cascade of anger, hurt feelings and ultimately alienation from one another.

Dr. Glasser helped us see the universal need in all of us for love and belonging.  The need to be connected to one another is built into our genetic makeup.  Dr. Glasser also challenged us to evaluate what we were doing and saying in our relationships by asking the question “is what I’m doing (or going to do) bringing us closer together or driving us further apart.”

I’ve seen that insistence on my point of view as being the right point of view is a flawed approach to connecting with others.  If I really want to draw closer to another, I’m working on creatively growing into learning new and more life giving ways to have a conversation.  If I believe that “live and let live” is a valid way to be with others who see things differently, then I believe I’m making progress.

I find it more interesting to get to know a person as a unique member of our human family before I get too busy trying to convince anyone of how my opinion is superior to theirs.

And my mental health and happiness are enhanced when I’m working to understand rather than insisting I be understood.

Your New Year’s Resolve

By Nancy S Buck, PhD, RN

We are close to the end of January, the month that many of us decide to make life changes and resolve to improve habits, thoughts and tendencies. How are you doing?

Anybody feel like your motivation is waning? Is the excitement you felt as you anticipated changing your life for the better harder to call on? Are you finding it more difficult to get going or to keep going in your new direction? Is it too easy to find an excuse or reason to slide backwards instead of continuing forward?

Let me offer some thoughts and advice to help:

Change is never easy!

Our usual patterns and behaviors are well worn paths and organized patterns in our brain. Any time anyone does anything new it’s harder than the old way.

For instance, how many times this year have you written or typed 2015 instead of 2016? You got into the automatic pattern of of writing 2015 after you practiced enough times. It’s going to take time, thought and practice for you to be able to write 2016 automatically.

This small habit that you changed in 2014 has only been part of your life for a year. And yet  you practiced this habit enough so that now it takes concentration, thought and time to change. This habit is in an area that is not very important in your life. And still the old habit sticks making it harder to start the new habit.

When you are attempting to change another area in your life, an area that has been your habit and practice for years, it’s going to take a lot more time, practice, concentration and forgiveness when you fall back on old habits. It is not easy to change any organized, automatic behavioral habit. Add patience, kindness and self-forgiveness as you go through the process of changing any habit you have been practicing for a long period of time.

Resolve to start doing something, not stop doing something!

If your New Year’s Resolution describes eliminating a behavior you are headed for failure unless you add what you are going to do instead.

Choice Theory psychology explains that all behavior is purposeful, even those nasty and unpleasant habits you want to change. The purpose of ALL behavior is our best attempt to act on the world in an attempt to get what we want to more effectively meet our needs. Even though the habit you want to change is not ultimately helping you be the person you want to be, it is helping some, meeting some need slightly. This is why you continue behaving as you do because it works!

(Maybe it doesn’t work well, or maybe it works for one thing and interferes with another; people who worry that they will gain weight if they give up smoking cigarettes, for instance.)

canstockphoto0012473Rather than resolving to stop doing something, resolve to start doing something. If you simply resolve to stop yelling at the other drivers on the road, what will you do the next time a driver cuts you off, or turns without using his blinker, or passes you on the right?

You’re still going to have the urge to yell, swear, or honk your horn. However, if you resolve to say loudly with feeling, “I bless you (or thank you if you prefer) as we to travel together safely on our journeys” you have a much greater chance at succeeding with your resolution. You don’t have to mean it with loving kindness. Just shout the loving and kind words, changing your road rage slightly.

Whenever there is a difference between what we want and what we are getting we have an urge to do something. And for many drivers that something is to shout angry words, flash finger digits and honk the horn. With your new resolution you are probably still going to encounter annoying and irritating fellow drivers. You will still have the urge to rage. So resolve to transform your anger into gratitude and thanks. You will be doing something. And you will have transformed the something you do.

Keep your BIG picture desire, dream or wish in mind when your motivation starts to droop

Remember why you’ve decided to stop eating all the white things (flour, sugar, salt)? You want to feel healthier and have more energy. Keeping this in mind can be useful and helpful when you are faced with a hot-out-of-the-oven, freshly baked biscuit.

Remember why you’ve decided to join the local athletic club and work out more? You want to be able to play with your children, bending, stretching, getting down on the floor with them and getting back up again, playing tag and all the other glories of play. Remember this the next time you wake up earlier than you want because you promised yourself you are going to the gym this morning, not rolling over to sleep just fifteen more minutes.

Remember why you’ve decided to call your brother every week, even for a quick hello and catch-up chat? You want to connect regularly and frequently instead of letting your relationship drift apart. Keeping this in mind on those days when calling feels like a chore and an inconvenience.

You chose this New Year’s Resolution because you have a picture in your head of what you want. Go back and look at this picture regularly and frequently to keep your motivation high and constant.

May you keep practicing your New Year’s Resolution
bringing you greater Mental Health & Happiness!

Happy People Rituals

Contributed by Denise Daub

7 Simple Rituals Happy People Do Every Single Day

canstockphoto0374035The things that we do to help ourselves only have ongoing positive effects if we make them into habits. Positive change is even more profound and more permanent when those habits become rituals.

But what’s the difference between a habit and a ritual? A habit is something you do on a regular basis without the need to force yourself to do so. A ritual is something that you’re compelled to do because it’s meaningful to you, and you feel a deficit in your life when that ritual goes missing.

If you’re seeking permanent overall life improvement and happiness, try these seven rituals for every day of the week.

Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yourtango/7-simple-rituals-happy-pe_b_8682662.html?ir=Healthy%20Living?ncid=newsltushpmg00000003

New Year’s Resolutions anytime of the year

Contributed by Denise Daub

There’s No Need To Wait For The New Year To Make A Resolution

Jan1stAlmost half of all Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and exercise and weight loss is always at the top of the list. That’s no surprise, considering that two-thirds of Americans are overweight or obese, and less than half get the recommend amount of exercise needed to stay healthy.

But a future plan to exercise can be used as an excuse to curl up in a ball of blankets and hibernate through the holidays, which could explain why some folks go into the new year with a little added heft. A 2000 study of 195 Americans found that people who were already overweight or obese gained an average of five pounds in the six weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and that for all who gained holiday weight, these extra pounds made up more than half of the total weight they gained that year.

Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/theres-no-need-to-wait-for-the-new-year-to-make-a-resolution_5654dab4e4b0d4093a599c6c?ir=Healthy%2BLiving&section=healthy-living&ncid=newsltushpmg00000003

Take Your Life Back

26 Ways To Take Your Life Back When You’re Broken

pensivewomanThere’s an old, outdated assumption that time heals all wounds. But I believe this to be untrue. In the words of Dr. Phil, “Time doesn’t change us. It’s what we do with that time that changes us.” We are all more than capable of taking control back into our own hands when life knocks us down. It’s just a matter of doing so deliberately. Of making changes that will move us forward. Of finding a way to progress with purpose, rather than simply letting life knock us around into whoever we will become next. When you’re feeling lost and disheartened with life, here are 26 simple methods of taking your power back.

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/11/26-ways-to-take-your-life-back-when-youre-broken/