Tag Archives: control

New Pictures and New Developments

by Mona Dunkin

We think in pictures or symbols. If we don’t get the picture we don’t get the concept.

If I mention a car, your mind sees a car of some sort, even if it’s fuzzy. The longer we explore that subject, the clearer your mind-picture comes into focus.  More than likely, your own car would be your familiar point of reference or perhaps your dream car.

Unknowingly, we associate new stuff with familiar stuff. We also, unknowingly, self-assess whether to like, dislike or simply store it in our vast mind/body warehouse as additional information. For later recall.

Everything is created twice; first in the mind and then in reality. Your computer runs by an operating system and so does the mind. If you don’t like a TV program, you don’t even try to change the screen. Why not? The TV operating system is pre-programmed to bring in that program on that frequency.

Here is where reality sets in.  You cannot change what you do not have control over. You do not have control over the programming slated for that channel but you do have control over changing the channel. To change the picture on the TV screen you change the channel to another frequency.

Change is an Inside Job. Truth be told, we have limited ability to change anything outside our immediate scope. Goodness! It’s hard enough to change something within our self (i.e. attitudes, habits, prejudices).  When we work on self we have something we can work with. When working on someone or something outside our selves – especially without forethought and training – we may be jousting at windmills. Don Quixote’s selective vision of the real world contributed to his unhappy relationships and the fall from the rotor blade certainly curtailed his health.

Will Power = WALL. Even if you are using every ounce of will power that you can muster to change personal habits, attitudes or – alas – other people, it doesn’t compute. Why? Because the old operating system still has chocolate cake as the focal point.  You fall off the wagon and don’t understand why.

Adjust your mind-pictures and grow into them. This simple step promotes self from employee to Management.  From lackey to Taking Charge of Your Life™. And that is power. It’s real power because it’s empowering.  Once the light comes on, it is like a rogue grass seed pushing up through concrete to grow, blossom and bloom. That seed idea that seemed so impossible takes root and produces amazing results.

Yeah But!  I hear you; it’s the I-agree-but-I-don’t-agree-or-I-don’t-think-I-can.  Okay, here’s how:

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Stop whatever thought processes you have going through your head and – just for a minute – experience a different sort of reality. Get out of your head nonsense into a beautiful place. Through loving imagination, tune your TV-mind to your Discovery Channel. Tune in to pictures of adventures that you would love doing or being or creating. Whet an internal mental appetite for those things. Act on those new aptitudes and the old picture begins to fade as you become the new you.  You become energized by what you act like and feel like and look like and what life tastes like as you grow into the person living your dream.

What you think is what you become.  Picture it.

Who can you control?

By Dr. Nancy Buck

So much of our lives are not under our own control. We can’t control the weather; we can’t control our politicians and international relationships. We can’t control other people. We can’t control the waiting time on hold when making a phone call to a large organization or government agency. These are just a few examples. Without much difficulty you can name many more things and people out of your control that you encounter throughout the course of your day.

But if you let each of these examples lead you to feel annoyed, irritated, helpless or hopeless STOP! There is one important thing that you can control. You can control yourself, how you view each of these circumstances and handle each these situations.

(And for a choice theory psychology language correction in the above quote please read it as:  You gotta look for the good in the bad, the happy in your sad, the gain in your pain, and what  you’re grateful for, not what you’re hateful for.)

choosehappyStop and change your glasses. Put on the spectacles that help you find the gratitude when your car battery goes dead demanding a change in your morning plans. How lucky this happened before you ever left home. You are stuck in a warm, familiar place where you can attend to other things than what you had planned.

When a family relative loses her temper can you find the good in this seemingly bad situation? Perhaps the fact that this person is finally speaking up and back, letting the family know what she wants and how she feels is an uncomfortable change, but one long overdue.

Can you find the gift of gain that comes from being ill with the flu stopping, you in your social tracks? Perhaps being forced to spend more time at home means you can focus on improving your daily surroundings for greater comfort and home satisfaction.

Do you get the idea? Are you willing to change your point of view by putting on a pair of glasses to help you change? Are you willing to discover both the positive and negative sides contained in all aspect of life? With some effort you can find the bad and the good, the sad and happy in all that is going wrong and right in your life.

Since so much of our lives are not under our control, why not try and change what is?

Transform from a worrier to a warrior!

By Nancy S Buck, PhD, RN

Do you have an upcoming vacation you’re looking forward to? As welcoming as this break may be are you also worrying about the work, planning, and organizing that must be done before you get to plunge deep into the fun and freedom a vacation promises?

Maybe your life is on the other side of this coin. Rather than looking forward to a good moment in life perhaps you’ve recently received some unwelcome news that has you on edge. Maybe you are worrying about the unfortunate change in your physical or financial health or a shift in an important relationship.

Whether you are presently in a good swing of life right now or facing some challenges that could send you spiraling down is worry a constant companion? Are you a worrier?

canstockphoto13026221For many people, worrying is one of the habits they use in an attempt to get the illusion of control in their lives. And if worry leads a person to take necessary and effective action, then by all means continue this  strategy.

But for many people worrying may not lead to further action. Instead the person is worrying, while simultaneously wishing and hoping for the best. Too often the result for this person is increased stress, upset and tension.

My mother was a champion worrier. She worried about her children all day long who walked to and from school (this was long before helicopter parenting). She worried about adequately preparing and packing for our family camping trips. She worried about the health and well being of every member of the family. In fact, she worried so much that I began to believe that her worry was a protective shield over me. This realization came to me after my mother died and I was aware I no longer had her worry to keep me safe. For Mom, worrying was one way she let us know she loved us.

If you are a worrier consider transforming into a warrior instead!  News flash: there is a great deal in life that is out of your control. This means there is a great deal that you could worry about. What if you decided to fully embrace those things in life over which you do have control?What if you decide to face life’s unknowns, including the potential disasters, chaos and hardships as a spiritual warrior? 

A spiritual warrior, according to one definition, is a person who gains mastery over oneself. Imagine waking up each day feeling fearless, strong, and ready to persevere with all the necessary and effective action you can take for the best outcome you desire. Now that you have done what you can, as a spiritual warrior you release the need to control the outcome.

If you are a worrier, let today be the day you experiment for improved Mental Health & Happiness. Just for today practice the actions, thoughts, and feelings of a Spiritual Warrior every time you face your well honed opponent: your habitual worry. The more you practice transforming from a worrier into a warrior, the easier this will become. Eventually your mental Health & Happiness will also improve.

You Made Me Do It

By Mike Rice, LISAC, CTRTC

If it rains, will the rain have an emotional effect on you?

Some of you may say, “Yes” and others may say, “No.”

Some may show emotions of anger, depression, disappointment, or even anxiety.  Others may welcome the rain and be happy, smile, or even be joyful over it.

Why the two different reactions?  It’s the same rain in the same city.

The difference lies with your perception of how the rain affects your plans or needs.  Personally, I love when it rains.  We get so little of it here in Arizona and it turns many things green and smells nice afterwards.

If your phone rings and you answer it, did the ringing make you say, “Hello?”  Have you ever not answered a phone when it rang?

When driving and you come to a stop sign or a red traffic light, did that sign or light make you stop?  Have you ever purposely run a red light or stop sign?

If you said “no” the phone didn’t make me answer it  and the stop sign/light didn’t make me stop, then you might be inclined to say that you were not controlled by those outside stimuli because you chose not to answer or stop . . . because you didn’t want to and you were aware of the possible consequences if you didn’t.  Your decision was a choice.

So why is it that when someone says something or does something that you DON’T agree with or like that you blame them for “making” you feel angry, disappointed, sad, or even fearful?  Conversely, why is it that when someone says or does something that you DO like you may react with laughter, happiness, or pleasure?  It all comes from within yourself based upon how you perceive the situation.  Is it meeting your wants and needs . . . or not?  If not, then you want to do something that will make the situation meet your wants or needs.  You take measures to control and change someone to do or believe what you want done or believe.  The other person didn’t “MAKE” you to try to control or change them.  You chose to do so.

How do you usually react when someone tries to blame, change, or control you?  Do you like it when that happens?  No?  Then what makes you think others will like it when you do it to them?

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When we get outside stimuli that matches what we want, need, or believe, we choose to react in a positive and cheerful manner.  I use the word “choose” because what some people may react to with positive cheerful behaviors may find others choosing negative and unhappy behaviors even though the outside stimuli is the same for both.  The only difference is the perception each person has about the outside information they received.  People can choose how they will respond.  If they want to feel miserable and unhappy and/or want you to know just how miserable and unhappy they are, they will show you with their behavior just as the happy and pleasant people would do with their different perception.

You, and only you, are the master of your emotions.  If you believe that others can control your emotions by the things they may say or do, you are actually giving up your own emotional control to someone else and giving them your power to control your emotions and behavior.

If you don’t want to feel angry or tense, or any other negative emotion, why would you choose to do so?  Choosing to remain happy or content is as easy as refusing to accept one’s offer for another cup of coffee when you don’t want any more.  It’s a choice.  No one is forcing you to have another cup just as no one is ever making you react in an unhappy manner except you.

We live in a world of criticism and judgment as well as those who will coerce us to do things we may not like or want to do.  They do so because they know we will give them our control.  If we don’t relinquish it, then they go away.  As the saying goes:  No one can walk over you if you don’t lie down.  You can’t control them and they cannot control you.  Allow others who think and behave differently than you to do and think as they please.  It is not your responsibility to change and control others to your way of thinking and doing nor is it the responsibility of others to, blame, change, or control you to their way of thinking and doing.

None of us can be all things to all people.  We cannot please everyone because we all have different wants and needs.  When someone blames, criticizes, or judges you without really knowing you, or if they don’t have all of the facts, their words and behavior are based on no more than their short-sighted perception and/or lack of information.  You will always have a choice on how to react to them.

Several years ago, when I was a married man, I had moved our family to AZ.  We purchased a home and bought a luxury car.  My wife wanted to drive the new car to the store so she asked me if there was anything that I wanted as long as she was out and about.  I requested that she get a jug of muriatic acid for the pool.  When she returned, I helped bring the groceries in and noticed the absence of the acid.  When I asked about it, she informed me that she had placed it  on the floorboard, behind the driver’s seat.

I shuddered to think what could have happened.  As I opened the back door of the car, my fears were confirmed.  The bottle of acid had fallen over and acid leaked out and had dissolved the carpet down to the bare metal of the floorboard.  When I asked her why she would place a bottle of acid in such a position as to ruin the carpet, she replied, “It’s your fault, not mine.”  Astonished, I repeated, “My fault?  How is it MY fault?”  She answered, “If you hadn’t asked me to get it, it wouldn’t have happened.”

In my dumbfounded expression to her response, I had a split moment to process what she had said.  It became clear to me, in that moment, that she was indeed correct.  Silly me for expecting her to have known better.

Before reacting to others, you may choose to give them more information and if this doesn’t work, you can always  (reframe your perception) decide that arguing or getting upset over the other person’s behavior or words are just not worth the effort or unhappiness and walk away or change the subject.  When discussing differences, ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say or do going to bring me closer to agreement with this person or will it drive us further apart?”  One doesn’t need to be a Rhodes Scholar to come up with the correct answer that will result in the least resistance and unhappiness.

If someone were to call you a horse’s ass . . . that is merely their opinion.  However, if three or more people call you a horse’s ass, you may want to start shopping around for a saddle.  If this offends you, I hope you didn’t hurt your feelings.

 

 

Acceptance

By Kim Olver

When I think of accepting, the Serenity Prayer comes to mind:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
Courage to change the things I can; 
And the wisdom to know the difference.

There is however, a Choice Theory modification to this prayer and it goes like this: 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change;
Courage to change the one I can; 
And the wisdom to know that person is me! 

When we truly accept another person as he or she is, we no longer experience anger, frustration and resentment, hence the “serenity.” If you find yourself still resenting the other person, angry they won’t change, and/or frustrated with their behavior, you haven’t really accepted, have you? You are still attempting to change the other person, even though you may no longer be actively using deadly habits. You are still using emotions to coerce the other person to bend to your will.

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Acceptance sounds something like this: “I know I haven’t accepted certain things about you in the past. I even tried many things to get you to see it my way and to change. But from this day forward, I am accepting every part of you. I am no longer trying to change you. It is your life and you get to live it in the way that is best for you.”

Then you have a decision to make. Just because you accept someone and their right to live their life however they choose, does not mean you want to stay in a connected relationship with that person. It is your job to take care of yourself. If you want something from another person . . . let’s say it’s your sister and you want her to stop using drugs . . . you can accept her as a person and accept her right to make decisions that may be self-destructive but that doesn’t mean you have to be a bystander witness to her self-destruction. You may choose to disengage from someone whose choices are painful to you.

If you are in a marriage and your spouse is cheating on you, you may accept him or her and recognize your spouse has the right to make that choice but that doesn’t mean you need to stay married and watch.

Is there something about an important person in your life you have been resisting? Are you ready to move in the direction of accepting that thing, whatever it is?

Take charge of life for mental health and happiness

By Bette Blance

There are times when we feel overwhelmed by things that are happening around us.  We may be having difficulties at work.  It may be with that certain co worker and we don’t know what to do about it.  We come home and complain to our significant other about him. It seems that so many conversations we have with other people in our lives are about this one person, what they do or don’t do.

Sometimes in our personal life family members seem to demand things that we don’t want to give.  Others do not listen to us.  We think if only they would listen to us then things would be just fine.  Then, there are the kids.  If only, if only… Life seems to spiral out of control.

What if we were able to understand what is happening, and we were able to sort out ways to get back in control?   Would life be better then?

As Dr Glasser used to say, when we spin our back wheels, (feeling and physiology) we seem to get nowhere.  Life seems to get worse not better.

So often we expect others to change.  Yet the essence of life is that we can only ourselves. We can change what we do, or say or think.  We can’t change others.

Getting on our front wheels (acting and thinking) means making some decisions about what we can do in each of these situations.  Start by asking our self:

What do I want my relationships to be like with my family members?
How do I want to get along with my co-worker?

This gives a starting point to learn other tools to take charge of our life.

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Control What You Can

By Dr. Nancy Buck

So much of our lives are not under our own control. We can’t control the weather; we can’t control our politicians and international relationships. We can’t control other people. We can’t control the waiting time on hold when making a phone call to a large organization or government agency. These are just a few examples. Without much difficulty you can name many more things and people out of your control that you encounter throughout the course of your day.

But if you let each of these examples lead you to feel annoyed, irritated, helpless or hopeless STOP! There is one important thing that you can control. You can control yourself, how you view each of these circumstances and handle each these situations.

(And for a choice theory psychology language correction in the above quote please read it as:  You gotta look for the good in the bad, the happy in your sad, the gain in your pain, and what  you’re grateful for, not what you’re hateful for.)

Stop and change your glasses. Put on the spectacles that help you find the gratitude when your car battery goes dead demanding a change in your morning plans. How lucky this happened before you ever left home. You are stuck in a warm, familiar place where you can attend to other things than what you had planned.

When a family relative loses her temper can you find the good in this seemingly bad situation? Perhaps the fact that this person is finally speaking up and back, letting the family know what she wants and how she feels is an uncomfortable change, but one long overdue.

Can you find the gift of gain that comes from being ill with the flu stopping, you in your social tracks? Perhaps being forced to spend more time at home means you can focus on improving your daily surroundings for greater comfort and home satisfaction.

relaxDo you get the idea? Are you willing to change your point of view by putting on a pair of glasses to help you change? Are you willing to discover both the positive and negative sides contained in all aspect of life? With some effort you can find the bad and the good, the sad and happy in all that is going wrong and right in your life.

Since so much of our lives are not under our control, why not try and change what is?

Deadly Relationship Habits

By Kim Olver

Today,  I just want to mention seven Deadly Relationship Habits and later I will give you seven behaviors you can use instead to create a strong foundation to any important relationship in your life, including the relationship you have with yourself.

When I ask the question, “Whose behavior you can control?”, most people intellectually know they can only control themselves. And yet, how often to we attempt to control those around us to change so that our life will be better? Most people who don’t know about Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory psychology, tend to create their own misery by trying to get others to do things they really don’t want to do and even some of us who do use Choice Theory in our lives, still catch ourselves doing it from time to time.

This also happens with others attempting to get you to do what you don’t want to do as well. Has someone close to you ever used the following behaviors to attempt to get you to do something you don’t want to do? Have you ever used them with others?: Complaining, Blaming, Criticizing, Nagging, Threatening, Punishing and Bribing, otherwise known as Rewarding to Control.

nagging

I would be extremely surprised if you haven’t at least experienced these behaviors from others or you have used them with people you care about: your children, your aging parents, siblings, our significant other and most definitely, with yourself. When you have a strong foundation to your relationship, using these behaviors every now and then, probably won’t cause a big problem but think about a concrete foundation. Now, imagine taking a pickaxe to the concrete every time you engage in one of these behaviors. Can you see, hear and feel the relationship foundation crumbling under your feet? The more you use them, the less solid your foundation becomes.

After learning these, people sometimes start to guilt or punish themselves for using these deadly relationship habits. I once had a mother in one of my workshops declare that she was a horrible mother for using every one of these behaviors with her children. The truth is she was not a horrible mother. She was simply doing/repeating behaviors she had learned in her lifetime that had helped her get something she wanted.

The problem is we don’t always consider the cost of getting what we want. We can’t use a deadly habit without causing some damage to the relationship. So watch for upcoming posts where I will discuss the healthy relationship habits to substitute instead.

In the meantime, don’t attempt to stop using these deadly ones; just begin to notice when you use one. This will help you make their use more conscious so you can reduce their use without even trying. Just notice when you use them and you’ll be surprised how much less you engage in them.