Tag Archives: grief

Letting go of Grief

Contributed by Denise Daub

Allow Yourself To Grieve Through Some Heavy Sh*t — Then Let It Go

by Natalie Rountree

“There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without, but have to let go.”

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Are all the quotes, videos and blog post on social media regarding “Just let it go!” and “Only think positive Thoughts!” pissing you off or making you feel like you are just not doing life right? This probably sounds ironic coming from me, because those are the messages I send out too – but it’s important to know the difference between what to let go and when to allow yourself to grieve. By not allowing yourself proper time to grieve, you might find yourself looking to fill that emotional pain in dangerous ways (drinking or doing drugs, self-harm, neglecting yourself or others), isolating yourself, going through fits of rages and burst of meltdowns or straight up just going bat-shit crazy and not even recognizing why. This can last for a day, months, or years if you don’t face the pain to heal it.

Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/natalie-rountree/allow-yourself-to-grieve-_b_10455620.html?utm_hp_ref=healthy-living

Today I cry . . .

By Nancy S Buck, PhD, RN

(In loving memory of Dr. Ken Larsen, 1939-2016)

Today I cry. A dear friend of mine has died. He was kind, gentle, intelligent and loving. I never heard him say anything unkind or negative about another person — remarkable!

Today I feel grateful. I was friends with a man who was kind, gentle, intelligent and loving. I never heard him say anything unkind or negative about another person. This friend inspired me to be a better person because of who he was.

Today I’m reminded of my loss. I go on Facebook expecting to see his “likes” and comments about something I posted, something he posted, or something that someone else posted. Logging onto Facebook has become painful because I am constantly reminded of the loss of him.

Today my  heart is heavy. My sympathy and sorrow is with his family for their loss. My sympathy and sorrow is with the world-wide Glasser family for our loss of a friend and colleague.

And my sorrow and sympathy is with us, the Mental Health & Happiness community. Dr. Ken Larsen, fellow founder, partner, blogger and videographer of the Mental Health & Happiness project peacefully died in his sleep Monday, February 22, 2016. That day his final blog was posted.

Not long before his death Ken asked,

If Choice Theory is the answer
What is the question?

Here is one question he devoted his time, talent and energy to. How do we develop, improve and maintain Mental Health & Happiness? We are so lucky that he did. In honor of Ken we will be reposting many of his Mental Health & Happiness blogs over the next two weeks. This will give us all an opportunity to read and be inspired again by Ken’s ideas and words.

Another question where he devoted his faith, actions and love:

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Thank you Ken, for all you gave to all of us. You are loved and missed.

Emotionally Bankrupt

By Nancy S Buck, PhD, RN

Have you ever had the experience of being completely and utterly emotionally depleted?  It would be pretty amazing and unusual if this weren’t true for you as it is true for almost all people.

Three years following my father’s diagnosis of terminal lung cancer he died. His passing was not a surprise nor a shock and still it was devastating for his immediate family including me. I was privileged in that I was able to spend two of the last three weeks of his life with him and my mother.

My mother and father had celebrated more than 50 years of marriage only weeks before my father’s death. My mother was devastated following Dad’s passing. As she predicted, Mom  lived another ten years after my father died. However, she was never the same, never really happy again.

Once Dad died the family all assembled in North Carolina for the memorial service with the fellowship to begin our mourning and healing. Then it was decided that Mom would visit each daughter’s home for awhile before she would return to her own home to begin her life without Dad.

Six weeks after Dad died my mother had a heart attack. I had just returned home after accompanying her back to her home to help her begin this post-Dad part of her life.

canstockphoto0527001I was lying on the couch in my living room when I received the call about my mother’s health. I was told she had a minor heart attack and was stable. My mother told me that her heart was broken.

My sisters and I needed to decide what we were going to do. At this point I couldn’t even get off of the couch. How could I possibly get on a plane and return to my mother’s side?

This was my first experience of being emotionally bankrupt. Sadly, it has not been my last.

There was a “letter” circulating on Facebook recently where an old man explained grief, mourning and loss to a younger person. He described these kinds of life moments as being ship wrecked. Being overwhelmed by all of the sadness, devastation, grief and varying aspects of loss comes upon us as waves. And when the ship is first wrecked all we can do is hang on and stay afloat. Sometimes we hang onto another person, or a thought, a prayer, our faith or a possession.

Eventually these overwhelming feelings are not present 100% of the time. Eventually we have some moments of relief. How soon? There is no way of predicting. And for each person with each loss and each wrecked ship the timing and waves vary.

Eventually the waves become less and less frequent. Eventually we are not devastated by the wave. Eventually our memories become sweet and a source of comfort.

While we are waiting for the waves to lesson, and calm without taking us under, we must be kind, gentle, loving and supportive of ourselves. We must care for ourselves in ways that might normally feel like indulgences:

Take an afternoon sitting on a park bench, under a tree, or on the beach, and do nothing.

Take a hot bath daily, as a ritual.

Be quiet, still, and if needed alone. Let nature be your companion as nature is one of the strongest healers available to us all.

Stop working, at least for an afternoon or morning.

Stop doing for, caring and helping others, at least for an afternoon or morning.

If you have a pet, hug, love and pet him/her. Let your pet soothe and comfort you as you pet and love him/her. If you don’t have a pet, ask to borrow one.

Ask a friend to help you focus on fun, funny and wonderful memories.

Ask a friend to distract you and tell you stories that are completely unrelated to your  present experience.

Spend time holding, hugging, playing and cuddling a baby.

A word of caution about any and all of the above ideas. If you discover that this emotional soothing and regenerating is not working, is in fact contributing to you feeling worse STOP. You can return and try out any or all of these ideas in the future. For now, be gentle, quite and still with yourself.  Concentrate on breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out with no other expectation or goal.

Honoring your need for rejuvenation during the emotionally bankrupt and tsunami  times of our lives is important and essential for our Mental Health & Happiness.

Grief, Sadness & Sorrow

By Nancy S Buck, PhD, RN

At this present moment a very dear friend of mine is experiencing the decline and impending death of both of her parents. For her in this moment it seems that these inevitable events are getting closer. Her immediate family, that includes her husband and daughters, are an incredible sources of love, strength and support. But sadly, as is true for too many people, there are other family members who are blaming, shaming and pointing accusatory fingers of guilt as a means of dealing with their own fear and pain.

Although not geographically close, a couple of us who are heart and soul sisters, not blood relatives, are able to be immediately present, comforting and supportive through texting. Who would have guessed that technical advances would lead to this extraordinary gift of presence.

We heart and soul sisters are able to offer the needed compassion not just because we love Annie, but because of our own personal experiences with the death of our own parents. For us the pain of losing our parents is still present, just not so immediate.

What place does grief and sorrow play in Mental Health & Happiness? Can you consider yourself Mentally Healthy & Happy even when feeling sad?

For me being Mentally Healthy & Happy means experiencing a full range of emotions: sadness AND joy, contentment AND dissatisfaction, fear AND faith, peace AND discontent, anger AND pleasure. Being Mentally Healthy & Happy means experiencing the negative emotions, and not staying stuck in them.

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If developing and maintaining important, caring and connecting relationships with at least one person is a major contributor to our Mental Health & Happiness, then we are bound to experience profound feelings of loss when these relationships end or change. I still miss both my mother and father every day. At the same time I know that “death ends a life, not a relationship” as Mitch Albom writes in his book “Tuesdays with Morrie.” I continue to maintain a strong relationship with my parents many years after their deaths.

For me, Mental Health & Happiness means I have strategies to deal with my intense negative feelings. I do not fear these negative emotions pretending I don’t experience them. Nor do I need to stay stuck or lost.

Some of these strategies we are sharing with Annie right now are:

Planting both feet solidly on the ground
Taking 4 deep breaths, with eyes closed, arms open wide, expanding heart and gut space with deep inhalation and  blowing out fears, frustrations or just air as you exhale
As you open your eyes repeat your meaningful affirmation All is well, I am well, You are well and so it is that All is well. (Or whatever mantra you create that is meaningful and helpful for you.)

Remember that being Mentally Healthy & Happy does not mean that you are always cheerful, happy and full of sunshine. Being Mentally Health & Happy means that you know, create or learn effective strategies so that when the hard, challenging and stormy life experiences are part of your days, weeks or present moments, you take the time to learn and grow. This too shall pass is true. But imagine seizing even these moments to celebrate the full experience of your life?

Laughter is the best Medicine

By Nancy S Buck, PhD, RN

I don’t know if it’s the season of the year, my aging age group, the present zodiac constellation with everyone’s Mars in retrograde, or simply random moments coinciding, but something is going on in my world. Too many of my family and friends are experiencing challenges with their health and physical well being. For example: one friend’s husband of many years is finally recovering from a life-threatening illness. Another friend is watching her parents’ health and lives decline. Still another was in a serious accident breaking both of her ankles.

                                    A merry heart doeth good like a medicine — Proverbs 17:22

Knowing that all of the magic wands I own would not provide the immediate help or cure, instead I offer my love and support. And I continue to seek the opportunity to find humor and bring laughter.

A good laugh heals a lot of hurts — Madeline L’Engle

Several months after my father died and my mother was recovering from a heart attack I listened to the audio version of the best book for my Mental Health & Happiness: Sweet Potato Queens by Jill Conner Browne. I laughed out loud listening to the author’s sweet, mellow southern accent read the outrageous descriptions in her book. When one of my sisters was suffering from the same deep grieving I loaned her the audio book telling her she had to go to bed and listen, staying there until she had laughed out loud three times before getting up again. Our grief was still central in our lives, but the laughter had given us temporary relief and healing.

Laughter opens the lungs, and opening the lungs ventilates the spirit — Unknown

In his highly acclaimed and well known book Anatomy of an Illness, Norman Cousins states, “I made the joyous discovery that ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep.” At the time the medical community was skeptical although his readers were inspired. Now, thirty years later there are more than a few who are researching and validating Cousins’ personal discoveries.

Your body cannot heal without play.

                                    Your mind cannot heal without laughter.

                                    Your soul cannot heal without joy. — Catherine Ruppenger Fenwick

Are you facing some challenges, tough or hard times, or a moment of grief in your life right now? Perhaps it’s time for you to purposely pursue laughter. As I did research to write this blog I found a website, www.laughteryogaamerica.com where I also found my smiles and laughter. There were more than a few websites and YouTube videos that can also assist if you need. laughingdog

To improve your Mental Health & Happiness for now, absorb these last two quotes.

Earth laughs in flowers — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people — Victor Borge

My journal: A lifeline from despair

By Dr. Nancy Buck

My life was falling apart. My husband of 24 years left, saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married to me anymore. He needed time on his own to figures things out. My twin sons had left for college. The family dog ran away.

I was alone in our home, but there was no more “our” or “we.” Was there even a home anymore?

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I didn’t know what to do. Crying didn’t help. Talking with my sisters and friends gave me only temporary relief.

Day after heart breaking day, the sadness, isolation, failure and oppression was unbearable.

My lifeline, it turned out, was my journal. Every morning I wrote my three morning pages. Every evening I listed five things I was grateful for. Most days my gratitudes consisted of:

1.    I am breathing in

2.    I am breathing out

3.    I am breathing in

4.    I am breathing out

5.    I am breathing in and out

The lessons I learned during that time were many. The most important lesson was to keep breathing no matter what.

You never know what might happen next, what internal strength will be discovered, and what gifts will be revealed in the next moment.

And if you don’t keep breathing you never will know.

So keep breathing, in and out, in and out, in and out.

Mother’s Day Pain

By Kim Olver

Today I want to acknowledge the people who may be in pain on Mother’s Day and in all the days and hype leading up to it. Who may those people be?

  1. A mother whose child has died
  2. A person whose mother has passed away
  3. A mother who has put their child up for adoption
  4. A child whose been adopted
  5. A child living in foster care
  6. A woman with a regretted abortion
  7. A woman who has suffered a miscarriage
  8. A mother and child separated by pride and misunderstanding
  9. Anyone else I may have left out
  10. Couples who are infertile
Experiencing emotional pain is never easy but it is made even more difficult when the world around you is celebrating while you are feeling so sad. Those who have their mothers and their children to celebrate with will be happy and pampered on Mother’s Day. It is a special day set aside to honor the woman who gave birth to us.
If you are a mother without her child on Mother’s Day, you have some choices to make. You can embrace your feelings of grief and sadness and simply allow yourself to experience the loss. You can put a smile on your face, pretending everything is all right when inside you know it isn’t. You can use distraction to busy yourself so you are focused on other things. You can find a way to be grateful for the experience of motherhood, with all its ups and downs, and find the gifts, lessons and opportunities in the experience. Or you can create a new celebration of your own for this day . . . something meaningful to you.

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If you are child without your mother on Mother’s Day, you have similar choices. You can embrace your feelings of grief, loss and sadness and just be in that space. You can pretend all is well when you know it isn’t. You can distract yourself with other things, trying not to think about her. You can find a way to be grateful for the mother you had, for better or for worse. She gave you life and taught you things . . . some you will embrace, others you will never repeat but all lessons nonetheless. Or you can find something else to celebrate on this day.

Whatever you do on Mother’s Day, recognize the choices you have and choose the one that serves you best. The world recognizes mothers on this day and your focus may need to be on how to take care of yourself today. You are just as valuable and important as all the mothers and children who will be happy today. Choose well.

Grief

By Kim Olver

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Do you know the pain of grief & loss? I know I do and I bet you have lost something or someone close to you. My husband died when he was 37 years old from leukemia. Five years later, my youngest son was deployed to Iraq. He survived two tours and is now doing well but at the time, I experienced a great loss.

While my husband was dying, I read a great book by John Dimartini called, The Breakthrough Experience. He spoke of a brilliant concept that I have found extremely helpful in managing grief. He reminded me of the periodic table of elements . . . something I remember learning in chemistry class but that’s about all I remembered about it. He says that every element in the table is completely balanced with exactly the same number of protons as electrons. Each element has an equal positive and negative charge. Dimartini theorizes that the same is true of our life experiences and I found that to be true every time  in my life and in the lives of people I counsel.

When my husband was dying, I realized we were having an opportunity to say goodbye–something many people never get. And because my husband was affected by a chemical with which he worked, he stopped working, long before he was too sick to work. Prior to this, he was clearly a workaholic and my kids and I rarely saw him. Because of his illness, he coached my kids soccer and baseball teams, took them hunting and went on a trip to Disney World with us. These things would never have happened had he not been sick. And certainly we have found other positive sides with time.

Isn’t that always the way? When you’re in it, all you experience is the pain and grief but with time, sometimes we see what happened may actually be positive. . . like when you lose your job, only to start your own successful business. It’s easy to see the positive in hindsight. The trick is to begin looking for it while you are going through it.

It changes your thinking and your perception when you begin looking for the balance in all situations. Remember the pain is only half of the equation. If all things are perfectly balanced, then you know there is an equal amount of positive associated with the loss. There is always a lesson, gift or opportunity. You have to first believe that’s true and then go on a hunt to find it. It won’t erase the pain of the loss but finding the benefits can neutralize the pain. Happy hunting.