Tag Archives: healthy habits

Trusting-Part Three

By Kim Olver

This is my third and final blog about the healthy relationship habit of trusting. This is something that works for me and I hope it can also work for you. I know in the area of trust, one of the things that gets me through is a faith in the balance of all things. I believe that just like the naturally occurring elements, situations are equally balanced with positive and negative charges.

This belief especially helps me when I have experienced broken trust. While that is a painful experience, I also know there is equal positivity attached to it. I just have to find it. I know there is a lesson, gift or opportunity that will bring me joy or enlightenment so there is no injury when trust is broken.

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An example I just learned about this weekend happened when a woman I was speaking with told me about her father committing suicide. It was a terrible betrayal of trust. She was in serious pain over the experience. When she thought about a lesson, gift or opportunity, she said, “Wow, when my father died my sister and I inherited enough money that we were both able to buy our own homes. This would never have happened if my dad were alive.” Naturally, if she could choose, she would want her father back but we often have no control over the broken trust; we only have control over what we choose to do about it.

Learning how to balance out the pain with a lesson, gift or opportunity is one choice you can make that will improve your relationships as well as your mental health!

Can you think of the lesson, gift or opportunity that came from the last time you felt betrayed?

Deadly Relationship Habits

By Kim Olver

Today,  I just want to mention seven Deadly Relationship Habits and later I will give you seven behaviors you can use instead to create a strong foundation to any important relationship in your life, including the relationship you have with yourself.

When I ask the question, “Whose behavior you can control?”, most people intellectually know they can only control themselves. And yet, how often to we attempt to control those around us to change so that our life will be better? Most people who don’t know about Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory psychology, tend to create their own misery by trying to get others to do things they really don’t want to do and even some of us who do use Choice Theory in our lives, still catch ourselves doing it from time to time.

This also happens with others attempting to get you to do what you don’t want to do as well. Has someone close to you ever used the following behaviors to attempt to get you to do something you don’t want to do? Have you ever used them with others?: Complaining, Blaming, Criticizing, Nagging, Threatening, Punishing and Bribing, otherwise known as Rewarding to Control.

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I would be extremely surprised if you haven’t at least experienced these behaviors from others or you have used them with people you care about: your children, your aging parents, siblings, our significant other and most definitely, with yourself. When you have a strong foundation to your relationship, using these behaviors every now and then, probably won’t cause a big problem but think about a concrete foundation. Now, imagine taking a pickaxe to the concrete every time you engage in one of these behaviors. Can you see, hear and feel the relationship foundation crumbling under your feet? The more you use them, the less solid your foundation becomes.

After learning these, people sometimes start to guilt or punish themselves for using these deadly relationship habits. I once had a mother in one of my workshops declare that she was a horrible mother for using every one of these behaviors with her children. The truth is she was not a horrible mother. She was simply doing/repeating behaviors she had learned in her lifetime that had helped her get something she wanted.

The problem is we don’t always consider the cost of getting what we want. We can’t use a deadly habit without causing some damage to the relationship. So watch for upcoming posts where I will discuss the healthy relationship habits to substitute instead.

In the meantime, don’t attempt to stop using these deadly ones; just begin to notice when you use one. This will help you make their use more conscious so you can reduce their use without even trying. Just notice when you use them and you’ll be surprised how much less you engage in them.