Contributed by Iris Benrubi
I arrived back home after my 3 day training in San Diego to find that my car wouldn’t start. I had it towed to the dealership and borrowed my son’s manual car for the day . I’ve driven many manual cars over the years so that was not an issue. I was a little concerned about driving my son’s car for the day though. He takes VERY good care of it and I was a little nervous not to do anything that would scratch, ruin or simply take a toll it’s road worthiness and shine.
Have you ever had one of those discussions in your head?
I was actually having a conversation with my son in my head and this is how it went. “Mom, why are you driving like that. You’re not driving smooth”, to which I replied “I’m worried about keeping your car in great shape and I don’t feel so confident so I’m holding back just a little’
The next moment I had the thought:
“What if I just chose being confident?”
I truly thought that was a brilliant idea because I could see that in that moment, I had a choice in front of me. What if I could just choose being confident while I was driving instead of being scared and holding back? …..and you know what? I chose being confident and my driving totally changed. I wasn’t second guessing anymore. I was shifting gears smoothly, trusting myself to change lanes when needed and to gear down with ease when traffic slowed. This felt like I was a new person behind the wheel. Then I got to thinking, where else do I hold back?
What if I could choose ‘being confident’ in any area of my life?
What would that be like? My challenge to you this week is to look at your behaviour and see where you hold back. Where do you not feel confident or trust yourself fully? My challenge is for you to choose an area in your life where you can:
Choose to be confident right NOW!
……..and notice how your behaviour changes. You might even notice that people around you respond differently when you choose to be confident. How would your career be impacted if you chose to be confident?
How would your love life be different?
Where would you be standing up for yourself? Where would you be setting healthier limits?
To learn more about learn more about Iris, please go to http://irisbenrubi.com/
It can be done! Trust yourself!
By Kim Olver
This is my third and final blog about the healthy relationship habit of trusting. This is something that works for me and I hope it can also work for you. I know in the area of trust, one of the things that gets me through is a faith in the balance of all things. I believe that just like the naturally occurring elements, situations are equally balanced with positive and negative charges.
This belief especially helps me when I have experienced broken trust. While that is a painful experience, I also know there is equal positivity attached to it. I just have to find it. I know there is a lesson, gift or opportunity that will bring me joy or enlightenment so there is no injury when trust is broken.
An example I just learned about this weekend happened when a woman I was speaking with told me about her father committing suicide. It was a terrible betrayal of trust. She was in serious pain over the experience. When she thought about a lesson, gift or opportunity, she said, “Wow, when my father died my sister and I inherited enough money that we were both able to buy our own homes. This would never have happened if my dad were alive.” Naturally, if she could choose, she would want her father back but we often have no control over the broken trust; we only have control over what we choose to do about it.
Learning how to balance out the pain with a lesson, gift or opportunity is one choice you can make that will improve your relationships as well as your mental health!
Can you think of the lesson, gift or opportunity that came from the last time you felt betrayed?
By Kim Olver
This is my second blog about the healthy relationship habit–trusting. This one is about trusting who people show you they are.
So often when we get close to someone, we catch glimpses of the potential they have to be a wonderful person, exactly what we want. The problem is these are only glimpses. The majority of the time, people show us exactly who they are. However, we hold them accountable to the glimpses we have seen.
In order to have realistic relationships, we need to stop trusting people to be who we want them to be and instead, trust them to be the person they’ve shown us they are.
We create so much of the misery in our relationships by not believing people when they show us who they are. Never is this more true than in the relationships where perhaps our current partner cheated on his or her last partner with us. S/he has shown s/he is a cheater and yet now we are expecting them to be true to us. This is unfair to ourselves and the other person.
The best thing we can do for an honest relationship is to be ourselves and to accept others for who they show us they are instead of expecting them to be who we want them to be.
By Kim Olver
The fourth healthy relationship habit is trusting. Trusting is such a big one for most people so I have decided to write about it in three parts – first, trust with others; second trusting what others show us and finally trust in something bigger than yourself.
This blog is about trust in others. I will assume you have had the experience of at least one other person promising you something that he or she did not deliver. Unfortunately, there aren’t many of us who will get through life without several incidents of broken trust.
Now I’d like you to think about whether or not there was ever a time in your life when you promised someone something and did not follow through? Of course there was! None of us are perfect . . . we, like others, have promised things we did not or could not deliver. The question is, did you intend to do it when you made the promise? Of course you did. So why didn’t you do it? I will guess it was because life got in the way and you chose to shift your priorities. You aren’t a horrible, awful person. You simply had unforeseen circumstances that had you making a different decision.
Now, can you offer this same understanding to the people who have broken trust with you? Can you believe when they said they would do something, they really meant it? They intended to follow through. They aren’t a terrible, awful person either. The fact that you were betrayed by someone you cared about doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
It happens. People promise what they intend to do and as long as everything remains the same, they will almost always follow through. But no one can predict life changes. Things just happen that sometimes change our course.
Being generous with others and allowing them to change their minds without taking it personally can go a long way in your relationships. Is this something you already do? If not, is it something you think you can do? Do you want to?
By Dr. Nancy Buck
Good relationships are built on many things, including accepting, encouraging, supporting and trusting one another. But a good relationship with others alone is not enough. Strong mental health that leads to happiness must include a good relationship with YOU. That means we each must consistently accept, encourage, support and trust ourselves most of all. For many this practice feels like a stretch.
Research suggests that most people have an easier time giving and supporting others with compassion than we do turning that inward. And studies link self-compassion to lower anxiety and depression. Another benefit is increased optimism, better relationships and greater overall satisfaction in life. This practice will improve your physical as well as mental health.
Here’s how to get started:
• Notice when you give or receive acceptance, encouragement, support or trust to or from another.
• Notice when you start discounting, discrediting, blaming or beating yourself up.
• As soon as you notice any of the above moments that lack self-compassion, immediately change to a kinder or gentler thought or statement.
• Continue to practice noticing how you give and receive these kindnesses to your family, friends and loved ones
• Continue to practice noticing and changing all moments of disrespect and lack of self-compassion